Dear Kate White,
I am alarmed at the misinformation in Laura Sessions Stepp's article, "A New Kind of Date Rape" (September 2007). Not only is there nothing "new" about date rape, and not only is "gray rape" a concocted and misleading term, but Stepp also attempts to differentiate between rape and "sex gone bad." This creation of a gray area will do nothing but add to survivor's grief and potential self-blame. Similarly, Kathleen Parker ("How Guys Are Victimized") differentiates rape from "sex she doesn't want." Rape is precisely that: unwanted sex. There is no difference between rape and unwanted sex and suggesting that there is only serves to detract attention from the fact that when someone is raped, someone else is criminally responsible. Please work to serve your readers better by clearly portraying the truth that rapists are solely repsonsible for their actions - and that is black and white. There is no "gray" area.
Sincerely,
Emily Brandt
Director
Take Back The News, Inc.
PO Box 110-945
Brooklyn, NY 11211
www.TakeBackTheNews.org
Dear Cosmo,
The Sept. 2007 article, "A New Kind of Date Rape" by Laura Sessions Stepp only serves to place the blame on victims instead of on perpetrators where it belongs. By giving credence to the term "gray rape" which Stepp completely made up and is not used by any expert in the sexual violence field, Cosmo has made it infinitely more difficult for survivors of sexual violence to seek help because they blame themselves for a conscious choice their rapist made. In the future, please do not support terms that imply that unwanted sex is anything but "clear-cut" rape.
Sincerely,
Chris
Dear Reader,
We received your letter of concern regarding our September story “A New Kind of Date Rape” and want to address what seems to be a misunderstanding. Cosmopolitan did not invent the term gray rape. The phrase emerged when the author of our article, Laura Sessions Stepp, was researching a book on today’s hookup culture.
In fact, the words were used by women who were left confused after a sexual encounter they were not one hundred percent sure they had consented to and by women who had known friends who were similarly confused. The confusion, many of these women admitted, was the result of having been under the influence of alcohol at the time of the encounter. Our article endeavored to help victims in these situations make sense of their ordeal, explain their avenues of recourse, and offer advice on how women can prevent so-called gray rapes from happening.
Cosmopolitan has a long history of covering the topic of sexual assault and, more important, of being an advocate for victims. Linda Fairstein, a former Manhattan sex-crimes prosecutor of 25 years, is a regular contributor to our pages. She and other rape experts applaud Cosmopolitan’s efforts to keep our readers educated about such difficult issues as sexual assault.
Sincerely,
The Editors of Cosmopolitan
Dear Editor,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I realize that Cosmo did not invent the term “gray rape,” however by publishing this article and having a link on your homepage that encourages women to share their own “’gray rape’ experience” you are supporting the use of a term completely fabricated by Laura Sessions Stepp. My question is how is Cosmo advocating for victims by offering advice on “how women can prevent so-called gray rapes from happening?” By suggesting that women can prevent rape, you are blaming women for being victims of a crime. As a former rape crisis advocate and current community organizer with the NYC Alliance Against Sexual Assault, I can assure you that the confusion experienced by women who have been raped is very normal and the best way to advocate for victims is to gently remind them that if they are not “…one hundred percent sure they had consented…” to sex, then it was rape. Period.
In your response, you say that your article “…endeavored to help victims in these situations make sense of their ordeal, explain their avenues of recourse…” and yet no where in your article did you offer any rape crisis hotline numbers or ways for people to contact their local rape crisis center.
If you do not want to lose any more Cosmo readers, I would suggest that you print a follow up article addressing the issues of victim blaming and the absurdity of the term “gray rape.”
Sincerely,
Chris
Dear Cosmo magazine,
I am writing to you in response to your recent article "A New Kind of Date Rape" which appeared in your latest issue of the magazine. Though I was initially happy to find that a magazine such as yours with such wide readership was working to try and raise awareness about the dynamics of sexual assault I was instantly disappointed with the content of the article.
Cosmo's "investigation" into this "new kind of date rape" does a grave disservice by spreading much misinformation about the dynamics of sexual assault. Laura Sessions Stepp's attempt at coining the term "gray rape" is nothing but a misguided effort at explaining a phenomenon that is anything but new.
It is not new information that more than two thirds of sexual assault survivors knew the perpetrator which Stepp writes includes "dates, acquaintances, and random hookups". I find it incredibly disappointing that she continues to perpetuate the myth that sexual assault can simply be interpreted as a "he said she said" disagreement, or that it was simply "regrettable sex". Why didn't Stepp talk to any advocates working in the field? Do the experts in her article ever use the term "gray rape", because if they do, she should have cited them. Why didn't Stepp do fact checking with some of the oldest rape and sexual assault agencies in the country such as RAINN?
Additionally, I find it highly offensive that an "expert" such as therapist Robi Ludwig would make the assertion that a viable way to avoid sexual assault would be to acknowledge that you are a woman and therefore vulnerable (pg. 202). While I agree that women are vulnerable in a sexist society that normalizes and condones sexual violence, I do not agree that we are vulnerable because we are women. I must say that simply acknowledging this will not stop men and boys from raping and sexually assaulting us.
Kathleen Parker's segment of this special report is something that I can hardly even comment on because of the miseducation she is promoting.
Sincerely,
Ledena Mattox
Dear Cosmopolitan,
I am writing to you today in response to your September 2007 article titled "A New Kind of Date Rape" by Laura Sessions Stepp.
Throughout the article there are several instances in which the author insinuates that the current young generation of women, who are today "just as bold and adventurous about sex as men", have blurred the line of what is rape and what is not. By being the "aggressor" as opposed to men, they have created what article refers to as gray rape. And have loosened the boundaries and rules that used to be so firmly in place in regards to sexual assault.
What is alarming about this is an implication that blame, no matter how small, should be placed on a woman who actively pursues a man in a social setting. Women, just like all animals, are sexual creatures and should be allowed to naturally and openly express this aspect of themselves without articles like the one you published making them feel like an instigator. No matter how flirtatious or openly sexual a woman may be, if she says no when a man is attempting to have sex with her, then he must stop. If he doesn't, it is rape. There is no gray area.
In the future, please mention that women can be sexually open with out putting themselves at risk or blurring the lines of sexual assault.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Alyssa Robbins
Production Stage Manager
The NiteStar Program
1111 Amsterdam Ave, Scrymser 1
New York, NY 10025
To Whom It May Concern:
I am appalled at the language and insinuations used in this month's Cosmo article regarding "grey rape." I am the Director of Children's Services at Safe Harbor, a domestic violence program in Richmond, VA, and the Chair of the Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance's Child Advocacy Task Force. I have urged all domestic and sexual assault advocates across the Commonwealth of Virginia to write letters to you in protest of this article AND to boycott your magazine until a formal clarification and apology has been issued in your magazine's next issue.
It is difficult enough for survivors of sexual assault to come forward about their experiences and your article, rather than supporting survivors in their experience, have now confused and victimized survivors all over again. As a devout children's advocate, I am quite discouraged as to how young women reading your magazine will define and minimize traumatic experiences they may have had or will have in the future.
Disappointed - Kim Flournoy
Kim L. Flournoy, BSW
Director of Children's Services
Safe Harbor
P.O. Box 17996
Richmond VA 23226
T. 804.287.7871 / F. 804.285.7224
kim@safeharborshelter.com
Dear Cosmo,
Though I applaud your magazine for tackling such an important and often overlooked issue, I found Laura Sessions Stepp's article, "A New Kind of Date Rape," (Sept. 2007) alarming. Not only do you fail to accurately define the term "gray rape" that Stepp introduces, the article would have readers assume that "gray rape" is an accepted legal standard and that women whose experiences with sexual violence match this paradigm are less entitled to social and legal services than women who have experienced "real rape." If "gray rape" is truly as pandemic as your article would suggest, perhaps it would better suit your readers to offer them resources for dealing what is at best an intensely negative and permanently scarring experience, and at worst a felony. A magazine with a readership as large as Cosmo's should certainly be more responsible than to belittle the experience of a survivor of any form of sexual violence.
In the future, if you are not willing to accurately define a phrase, please refrain from coining such harmful language.
Sincerely,
Scout Durwood
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing to express my disappointment with Cosmo for publishing the article entitled "A New Kind of Date Rape." I myself am a survivor of Date Rape, and I can guarantee you there is no gray area when it comes to sexual violence. It either is rape, or it isn't. And, if it is rape, the lasting emotional effect is devastating.
I used to read your magazine when I was 16. That was also the year I was raped by my boyfriend. I can guarantee you that it would have been far more useful to me as a teenager if I read articles in your magazine about what to do if you are raped. From reading your magazine, I learned about oral sex and picking the right jeans for my body, but I never once read anything about what I should do if someone sexually assaulted me. As such, my rape went unreported, and the same guy did it to another girl just 6-months later. If I had known what to do, I could have protected other women and come to some sort of resolution for myself much more quickly.
If you are not sure what an individual would need to if sexually assaulted, please refer to this helpful information from the NYC Alliance Against Sexual Assault: http://www.nycagainstrape.org/survivors_ifyou.html. And, when considering articles to be published in the future, please take into account the high incident of rape and sexual abuse in our society – especially that which is unreported. Your limited pages would be better spent addressing topics that empower and inform women and girls so that (1) we know that it is NOT our fault and (2) we know where to turn for help and support.
Calling sexual assault "gray" is simply an absurd notion. Being forced or manipulated to have sex is always rape. If there was no force or manipulation, then it wasn't rape. My guess is that far more women have experienced unwanted sexual contact (and abuse) than are willing to admit because of the attitude of society that a "woman must have wanted it" which is only perpetuated by articles like this one.
Thank you for your time and consideration in this very important matter.
L. E. Lyons
