Alicia has been out of college for three years, and by most measures, she's doing great: She has a good job as a consultant, a high-rise condo, and a boyfriend her friends envy. But in one disquieting way, she has not been able to leave her college self behind. She is haunted by the memory of something that occurred one night years ago -- a sexual encounter and an unanswered question: "Was I raped?"
This is what happened: Alicia had asked another student, Kevin, to be her "platonic date" at a college sorority formal. The two of then went out for dinner first with friends and then to the dance. She remembers that they got drunk but not what she would call sloppy wasted.
After the dance, they went to Kevin's room and, eventually, started making out. She told him flat out that she didn't want to proceed to sex, and he said "okay". But in a few minutes, he had pusher her down on the couch and positioned himself on top of her.
"No. Stop," she said softly -- too softly, she later told herself. When he ignored her and entered her anyway, she tensed up and tried to go numb until it was over. He fell asleep afterwards, and she left for her dorm, "having this dirty feeling of not knowing what to do or who to tell or whether it was my fault." While it felt like rape to her -- she had not wanted to have sex with Kevin -- she was not sure if that's what anyone else would call it.
"It fell into a gray area," she said recently. "Maybe I wasn't forceful enough in saying I didn't want it." Even today, she is reluctant to call it rape because she thinks of herself as a strong and sexually independent woman, not a victim.
Alicia's "gray area" experience is something that is becoming so common, it has earned its own moniker: gray rape. It refers to sex that falls somewhere between consent and denial and is even more confusing that date rape because often both parties are unsure of who wanted what.
And it's a surprisingly common occurrence. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 1 in 5 college women will be raped at some point during a five-year college career; that about 9 out of 10 times, the victim will know her assailant; and that half of all victims will not call what happened rape. Sixty-two percent of female rape victims in general say that they were assaulted by someone they knew, which includes dates, acquaintances, and random hookups.
Many experts feel that gray rape is in fact often a consequence of today's hookup culture: lots of partying and flirting, plenty of alcohol, and ironically, the idea that women can be just as bold and adventurous about sex as men are. How can something so potentially empowering become so dangerous? Cosmo investigates.
Blurred Boundaries
A generation ago, it was easier for men and women to understand what constituted rape because the social rules were clearer. Men were supposed to be the ones coming on to women, and women were said to be looking for relationships, not casual sex.
But those boundaries and rules have been loosening up for decades, and now lots of women feel it's perfectly okay to go out looking for a hookup or to be the aggressor, which may turn out fine for them -- unless the signals get mixed or misread.
Shari Rosen, a media recruiter in New York City, found that out on a business trip to Los Angeles. She and a coworker met a man in the bar of the hotel where they were staying. They ended up going with the man to a party, and then he and Shari returned to the hotel. On the way in, he kissed her deeply. They had a few more drinks at the hotel bar, and then he asked if she wanted to go to his hotel room to see some family photos.
She went to his room but after a few minutes said she needed to go. He pinned her on the bed and, according to Shari, sexually assaulted her. She struggled with him and managed to escape. Shari reported the incident to the police but didn't press charges. Later, she started working on a documentary about rape and, in the process of interviewing rape victims, discovered that a lot of them felt they had contributed somewhat to what happened.
Because they though they were (or should be) in control of their bodies and desires, says Shari, "they'd say things like 'I should have done this' or 'I shouldn't have been in that situation.' But they'd also say, 'If the guy had respect for me, he would have backed off.'"
In gray-rape cases, it's even easier than in more clear-cut date rapes for women to blame themselves: "If only I hadn't gone to that party, this wouldn't have happened" or "If I hadn't worn such a revealing top and come on to that hot guy...."
Laura Taylor, who just graduated from Cornell University, understands why a woman in this predicament might second-guess herself. When she was a sophomore, she met a fellow student at a frat party. They drank, they flirted, and then he invited her to his apartment. There, they kissed for a while, and things got more heated until Laura realized that he was taking off her underwear and entering her. She was drunk, but she says she was aware enough to say "no". When he ignored her, she froze -- a common response, much like Alicia's -- and he continued to have sex with her.
After he finished, she put on her clothes. He made her hug him before she left. "I knew something was off, but I wouldn't have called it rape," she recalls. That's what her roommate called it a day later, however, insisting that Laura call the sexual-assault hotline. Even after the hotline assured her that what had occurred was rape, Laura couldn't stop asking herself questions like "Why didn't I scream?" "Why didn't I take him on?" (She's almost 6 feet tall.) Laura didn't press charges against her assailant.
"She Wanted It"
The odd thing about the current equal-opportunity hookup culture is that a lot of guys may feel as uncomfortable and confused as their dates do when things end up in bed.
Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, "I've had girls tell me i" don't have sex on the first night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say, 'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say 'no'?"
One male student at George Washington University, a senior, recounted to the student newspaper that he had woken up naked and drunk next to a girl he didn't know. His friends later told him that the girl had bought him drinks the night before and volunteered to take him home. He ended up feeling taken advantage of -- that he wouldn't have hooked up with her if he hadn't been so wasted.
Another senior at GW expressed his confusion like this: "Sometimes I'll feel like a girl isn't sure, but then she'll say 'yes' and I'll think she's just being coy. If you regret it or she regrets it, does that make it assault?"
But then there are guys who will admit that they find the whole hookup culture secretly freeing. Like one who says that today's larger gray area simply "allows guys to be assholes" by hiding behind the "she wanted it, she went after me" excuse.
The Alcohol Factor
All of these complicated scenarios are made even more so by drinking, which is almost always part of the mix. Heavy drinking is a major factor in sexual assaults, and young women's drinking habits have risen almost to the level of men's. This makes them more vulnerable to guys who are pushing for sex.
In one study of college women by the Harvard School of Public Health, nearly 3 our of 4 rape victims were intoxicated when the assault occurred, a pattern that appears to continue as women move through their 20s.
"Women's self-esteem at that age is tied into how they are experienced by men, and part of dealing with that social anxiety is to drink it away or drug it away," says New York City Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig, PsyD. "They say to themselves that it'll work out okay, with some thinking that maybe they'll end up in a relationship."
According to Brett Sokolow, a Malvern, Pennsylvania, attorney who specializes in sexual assault, if a woman is drunk or otherwise incapable of making a sound decision, then a man who knowingly has sex with her in that condition is indeed guilty of rape. But rape cases where drinking or drugs are involved are difficult to prove in a criminal court if the victim cannot remember whether she gave consent or if she blacked out and her partner claims she gave consent, says Sokolow.
Last year, a 20-year-old female midshipman at the U.S. Naval Academy reported that the academy's star quarterback, Lamar S. Owens Jr., raped her. She filed charges and, in a July 2006 court-martial of Owens, said that she had been drinking and could recall very little beyond waking up in her bed in the middle of the night to find Owens having sex with her.
Owens testified that she had invited him to her room during an instant-message conversation, and that after a few caresses, they began to have sex. After two minutes, he reportedly said, she stopped responding, and he left her room. The young woman testified that she could not remember sending the messages to Owens and that someone had closed her instant-message window on her computer, so they weren't retrievable.
A toxicologist for the defense reportedly said that the young woman's blood-alcohol level showed that she was legally intoxicated, which means she may not have been able to give consent. Nonetheless, the rape charge against Owens was dropped because the five officers on the military jury believed that evidence indicated he had been invited to her room. During the testimony, Owens reportedly said it was a case not of rape but of "sex going bad."
Painful Aftereffects
The psychological effects of what a victim did or didn't do can last for years. "I still panic when a guy is on top of me and positions his body so that I feel restricted, even if we are just making out," says Alicia. "I have punched a guy because he had innocently placed himself on me the wrong way."
Some young women stop working or doing their schoolwork, adopt unhealthy eating patterns, turn to drugs, or attempt suicide. Others may start quickly seeking out new sex partners. "they think that this is the way they can prove that the assault didn't affect them," explains Catherine Busch, PhD, clinical director of the Specialized Trauma Treatment and Recovery Center in Columbia, Maryland, who works with sexual-assault victims.
So how do you avoid being a victim without giving up the right to be sexually independent and assertive? Many psychologists feel that the first step is to acknowledge the dangers inherent in the free-and-easy hookup approach to dating and sex.
"We all have vulnerabilities, and we all can be taken advantage of," says Ludwig. "Though you're successful at school, sports, whatever, you must see yourself -- as a woman -- as vulnerable. If you don't, you're at greater risk."
Sarah Belanger, 28, a communications specialist who works in Boston, has been trying to find a middle ground in her own life. "If you make the choice to leave the bar with the guy, then you are also creating the opportunity for something to go wrong," she says. "I think that is the point that needs to be driven home to everyone who participates in the hookup culture. Yes, you can practice safe sex. Yes, you can have casual sex without strings. But this behavior carries a risk."
And if something bad does happen, says Laura, seek help immediately, and don't blame yourself. "It was incredibly empowering for me to say 'I'm a survivor of rape.'"
